Zambiawatch

A column in Zambia’s ‘The Post’ newspaper of 24 December, 2007, written by Simon Kulusika, made me cross my legs and put down the G & T. Entitled “Witches and Witchcrafts’, it began in lurid style:

“Recent media reports would appear to disclose the resurgence of witchcraft. They informed the world of genitalia vanishing as a result of magical conjuration and demonicisation. In a dramatic style, it was shown doves and Tortoises ferrying mails from indignant claimants at one part of Africa to profligate defaulters at the other end. The messages contained therein were unmistakably, grisly: fulfill your contractual obligations promptly, or face a bitter and cruel consequence. In cases involving witchcraft, the consequence alluded to could involve death or loss of property. If this claim can be validated then the growing public panic about witchcraft is justifiable”

Have I got it all wrong in Africa, I thought; not just me, but the conservationists, the donors and the earnest neo-colonial carpetbaggers as well.  After all, in the nauseously attenuated conservation guerilla campaign which I wage against the government conservation establishment of Zambia, a campaign redolent of Don Quixote’s ever weakening efforts at the tilting of demonic windmills, I had first tried – before war became inevitable, all the various snake-oil salesmen methods and blandishments so dear to our Western liberal ways when dealing with those whom we have recently colonized and ‘protectorized’, then embraced as  colleagues, and then, having been Zambianized, whom we now forlornly  hope will continue doing things as to the manner born. These methods, a rudimentary form of which were first ushered into this patch of Africa by Livingstone himself, were entreaties for safe passage – followed by suffering hints at ‘the mulcting of cotton cloth, trinkets and gunpowder’, the offer of assistance to ensure good outcomes, the endless ‘good-faith’ discussions, the endless backslapping and grasping of thumbs, the signing of dodgy agreements, the odd bark and moaning at the moon, then of late, a blogging onslaught on Web2, which admittedly had them reeling and foaming at the mouth for awhile….”What is this internet” moaned one of them at a meeting, rubbing his tummy furiously, “I thought it was for children” but never, though, had I contemplated the manufacture of baboon skulls and neon-lit chameleons for the perimeter of my castle, the use of the oldest African weapon of all, witchcraft.

“…fulfill your contractual obligations promptly, or face a bitter and cruel consequence.”  Quite so.

 Then Kulusika finishes with a knee squeezer, “Story about witchcraft (e.g., loss of penis) should not be treated as merely grotesque fables. These are serious matters. Let us do things in good faith. Adventurism and dishonesty will lead to genitalia shrinking melodramatically.” Ouch and mahwee!

So, in my declared war with the Zambia Wildlife Authority, supposedly my partners in a tourism concession agreement – yet at any minute about to break the agreement as they have done with another concessionaire – even though the matter is still before the Courts, and nationalize the concession, I should eschew the services of the admirable and steadfast Wynter Kabimba, legal scourge of ZAWA, should not bother further the firm and reliable supports of Transparency International Zambia in my search as an investor for a state of good faith with Immigration, the Minister of Home Affairs and the Zambia Development Agency, but should bring in that powerful n’ganga from Malawi, whom some of the Luangwa chiefs consult for a witchery-power charge-up, and get him to do his business. Once the grisly deeds are done, however, will they all sing from the same hymn sheet, and if so, in what key?